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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29521833">Quiet ghosts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlolwut/pseuds/Snowdin'>Snowdin (charlolwut)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amnesia, Angst, Darth Vader Redemption, Gen, Hurt Anakin Skywalker, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Planet Zigoola (Star Wars), Sith Anakin Skywalker, Sith Magic &amp; Rituals (Star Wars), or at least hes trying to redeem himself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:00:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,458</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29521833</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlolwut/pseuds/Snowdin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben and Anakin travel the stars to search for memories.</p><p>*<br/>“Who is Obi-Wan?” asked Ben. </p><p>“Darth Vader killed him,” answered Anakin. He was quiet for a moment, then: “We’re going to get him back.”<br/>*</p><p>A Mustafar AU.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>182</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. dont remember, ben</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</blockquote><p><b>Sylvia Plath</b>, Collected Poems; from <em>‘Poem for a Birthday’</em></p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>At first there was nothing. He could remember a certain emptiness, and the first etchings of his chalk consciousness onto the blank slate of his mind. It was unnerving, though he wasn’t sure why.  </p><p> </p><p>He’d woken briefly to pain (his own) and anger (not his own), before sliding back under just as quickly. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“I... I’ve done some truly terrible things,” said Anakin shakily, his flesh knuckle growing white from his hard grip on the steering wheel, “And I thought it was kinder. For you.” </p><p> </p><p>“Ah,” said Ben, not understanding, but wanting to help. He could feel an inky blackness dripping into his mind, and, without knowing how, knew it was coming from Anakin. It was pain and anger and loathing, but underneath all of the hate was guilt. A low pulsing throb of agony. An evil man couldn’t feel guilt, he reasoned, and so the need to help him felt justified. “I forgive you”. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin stared, his yellow eyes gleaming in the dark. “You can’t. You shouldn’t.” </p><p> </p><p>“Well, I do,” replied Ben gently.  </p><p> </p><p>“No, you can’t,” said Anakin, suddenly blinking furiously and turning back to gaze out at the wide expanse of space, “You can’t forgive what you don’t remember.” </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“What is my name?” </p><p> </p><p>“...Ben.” </p><p> </p><p>“Ben”, he’d murmured. It felt incomplete. “What is yours?” </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin.” </p><p> </p><p>“Hello Anakin,” said Ben. </p><p> </p><p>“...hello Ben,” said Anakin. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>As they travelled, questions were answered. Not all of them, he was sure, but the important ones. The more Ben asked, the more peculiar it felt, like pulling back the sticky bacta plasters from the scratches scattered on his body. Watching Anakin being able to answer everything with ease should have been comforting, but the more Ben asked the more it felt like he should have already had the answers. </p><p> </p><p>‘How old am I?’ was the first question Anakin had paused on. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you know,” he said absently, his metal and flesh hands tinkering with something out of view, “I can’t remember. We haven’t celebrated your life day for years.” </p><p> </p><p>“Life day?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin smiled, a ghost-like wispy thing. “It’s a celebration of the day you were born.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben had made a habit of studying Anakin’s expressions closely; he recognised longing. “Are they fun?” </p><p> </p><p>The smile vanished just as quickly as it had come, and Anakin’s eyes were hard again. “Yes. They were.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin spoke a lot in past tense. If what Ben had cobbled together was correct, or at least wasn’t far out, Anakin’s mysterious past was full of loss, and his deeds were bloody. But asking those questions had only led to silence in the past, and as much as Ben enjoyed the company of the blue droid that travelled in the small ship with them, silences had a way of grasping tight on his heart and twisting. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, he asked another biological question, a simple one, to tear Anakin out of his sudden moodiness. </p><p> </p><p>“Do all baseline humans have cybernetic limbs?” he asked, looking from Anakin’s metal hand to his own arm, crudely crafted with what looked like leftover scrap.  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin stood abruptly, like a roughly yanked marionette, and slammed his hands down on the ships console, breathing heavily. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin?” asked Ben warily, making to stand up too.  </p><p> </p><p>“Shut up!” shouted Anakin suddenly, raw fury bleeding off him in waves, “Just shut up, Obi-Wan!” </p><p> </p><p>Ben stayed sat. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry!” cried Anakin, almost bent double now, his diaphragm hitching. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s anger twinged, but his guilt had started to hurt, and the <em>name</em> had hurt, and Ben gripped his head, closing his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Is that what you want me to say? I regret it all! I can’t get her back, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, so just SHUT UP!” </p><p> </p><p>The pain building in Ben’s head was reaching unimaginable now. He groaned, and, eyes still closed, briefly held out a placating hand, willing his friend to be quiet and still.   </p><p> </p><p>“Ob- Ben?” he heard Anakin ask. He could feel surprise and concern leaking through now, but the guilt was stabbing and sharp... </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, oh no,” said Anakin, rushing over and placing his own hands over Ben’s, still clutching his head. “Oh kriff, I’m sorry, Ben, I’m sorry, let me fix it.” </p><p> </p><p>And then, like a voice whispering the suggestion into his subconscious, sleep beckoned and Ben dove into the dark. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“Who is Obi-Wan?” asked Ben. </p><p> </p><p>“Darth Vader killed him,” answered Anakin. He was quiet for a moment, then: “We’re going to get him back.”  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Space felt endless, and as empty and fragmented as his mind. They rarely stopped, only to refuel on barren planets, and kept a steady pace. Space travel clearly didn’t agree with Ben; it made his stomach swirl and his head ache when Anakin directed the ship through curved space lanes, going at a speed that Ben wasn’t entirely sure was sensible. </p><p> </p><p>“I guess some things are wired into your DNA,” laughed Anakin, when a particularly steep swerve turned Ben’s face white.  </p><p> </p><p>He talked like that sometimes, like Ben was a droid, one of his things to be tinkered with. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was much preferable to the times when Anakin looked at him with faraway eyes, recognising something in him that wasn’t Ben. It felt like he was occupying someone else’s body, someone Anakin had loved and lost.  </p><p> </p><p>“Do you love me?” he felt himself saying, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. He should have stopped them; Anakin froze, the laughter dying on his face. Instinctively, he pressed his hands against his ears, to quell the incoming pain. </p><p> </p><p>“I do,” replied Anakin quietly. He pressed a few buttons on the ship's console, then walked over to Ben and sat opposite him. He gently took Ben’s hands and folded them down onto his lap. “I do, and I’m sorry you ever doubted that.” </p><p> </p><p>“Do you love Ben?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What?” </p><p> </p><p>“Or do you love Obi-Wan?” </p><p> </p><p> He thought he had it figured out. But, as he saw Anakin’s face crumple into despair, he was perhaps wrong.  </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” said Ben, his own guilt clawing at his insides, “I shouldn’t have said that, it clearly hurts you. Ignore me.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin nodded quickly, and patted Ben’s hands, before excusing himself and walking towards the fresher, the door locking itself behind him without his touch.   </p><p> </p><p>He stayed in there for a very long time.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“This isn’t it,” muttered Anakin, pacing back and forth between the trees. “I know it’s somewhere in this system, it has to be.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben said nothing, content to take in the landscape. It was dark, and almost barren except for the reddened trees sparsely littering the ground ahead. The twin moons barely shone in the sky overhead; the green, curdling smog blocked almost all light from the stars.  The planet felt dead, and he was almost convinced of the fact if not for the small, skittering black creatures they’d seen bolt into the trees when they landed. He bent down, plucking a mildewed sprout from the ground; perhaps he could bring more life onto the ship.  </p><p> </p><p>“Leave it,” said Anakin briskly, sweeping past him and almost toppling him in his delicate crouch, “We need to go, we can’t stay here.” He faltered a step and clenched his hands. “Well, you can’t stay here.” </p><p> </p><p>“Why not?” asked Ben, rising, the sapling held loosely in his fist.  </p><p> </p><p>“It’ll hurt you.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben considered that response. “But it won’t hurt you?” </p><p> </p><p>“...no,” said Anakin finally, scrubbing his face with his hands, “At least, not anymore. I don’t think.” He ran his hands down his face again, and then looked sideways at Ben. “You’ll understand soon, I hope.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben wouldn’t understand soon, Obi-Wan would, thought Ben bitterly.  </p><p> </p><p>He left the sapling on the dead planet.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>They landed on another four planets before finding the correct one. Ben hadn’t believed Anakin earlier when he said he would hurt, but as soon as they hurtled into the atmosphere of Zigoola, a sharp pain erupted in his head. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he called, tasting blood at the back of his throat, “Anakin, I don’t think-” </p><p> </p><p>“This is it, Master!” shouted Anakin exuberantly, and in a quick, expert motion ushered Ben to the co-pilot seat and strapped him in securely. He returned to his pilot’s seat, and began flicking switches and dials.  </p><p> </p><p>Landing protocols, thought Ben distantly, and retched. He could feel his blood thickening, cloying with carnivorous darkness, and suddenly he was panicking. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin, let me out,” he said, mouth sticky, heart hammering, “You need to let me out, let me out now-” </p><p> </p><p>“Hush, Obi-Wan, we’re almost there,” replied Anakin, distractedly, preoccupied with the flashing red lights on the console.  </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not Obi-Wan.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Ben, sorry-” </p><p> </p><p>The darkness had reached his heart, his throat, and was constricting, taking away his air. “I need to get out, I need to-” He fumbled with the seatbelt trapping him. “Anakin, I’m scared, let me out.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin finally looked at him, surprise colouring his features. “You’re fine, Ben, you’ll be okay.” </p><p> </p><p>“I need to get out-” </p><p> </p><p>“No, no, stay there, we’re so close-” </p><p> </p><p>“LET ME OUT, ANAKIN!” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin recoiled as if punched, and then suddenly the ship was lurching sideways and the seatbelt had opened. Ben scrambled out of his seat, his metal hand gripping his chest, scoring deep gouges into his skin. He felt dead, and alive, and scared, and exhilarated. There had been a quiet voice murmuring unintelligible words in the back of his head since entering the planet’s atmosphere, but it suddenly became clear: </p><p> </p><p><em> Die Jedi, Die Jedi, Die Jedi, Die Jedi.... </em> </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t know what a Jedi was, but he knew pain, and he knew death, and he knew death, and he knew death. </p><p> </p><p>“Master, stop!” cried Anakin, resurfacing from the corner of his seat, looking stunned, “Stop, you’re going to crash the ship!”  </p><p> </p><p>He was, he knew death, the Jedi was to die, and so he would. With the power surging from within him, he curled his fingers, rotating his wrist, and an engine crumpled in his grip.  </p><p> </p><p>“No, Master, NO!”  </p><p> </p><p>Distantly, he saw Anakin unbuckling himself and reaching for him, but with a quick burst of force, he threw out his metal hand and shoved. Anakin stumbled briefly, pain colouring his anxious features, and advanced again.  </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t make me stop you!” shouted Anakin desperately, searching, seeking.  </p><p> </p><p>He threw out his flesh hand this time, and he heard something snap as Anakin was slammed back into the wall. The power that had once been vibrant and strong though, that he had been swimming in, was now drowning him, and he retched again.  </p><p> </p><p>“OBI-WAN! Stop, let me help you!” </p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t Obi-Wan. The voice paused in its whisperings. Clarity took its place. There were no Jedi aboard this vessel. He had condemned them both to a needless death.  </p><p> </p><p>“No, no,” he stammered, feeling blood drip from his nose, stumbling back into his chair “What have I done, what have I done-” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin took advantage of the change instantly, like a soldier meant for battle, and grasped the steering wheel, trying to yank the ship back on track.  </p><p> </p><p>“Hold tight!”  </p><p> </p><p>Ben closed his eyes tightly, and gripped his head. The sharp claws of his metal fingertips scraped through his knotted hair, but the pain inside wouldn’t abate. He gripped tighter, wanting the physical sharpness to intensify, to overtake the anger and guilt and darkness and hot blood pulsing through his veins.  </p><p> </p><p>The ship was screaming. Red light filled the cockpit and had begun to colour the space outside too, fire licking at the exterior as it picked up speed, hurtling towards the ground despite Anakin’s best efforts. Ben stumbled out of his seat as the floor shook; he could hear the chairs being torn from their fittings, bulbs shattering and things exploding far behind them. It was too much, too much, he didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to help- </p><p> </p><p>“Master!” cried Anakin, looking just as shattered as the ship, and took a stuttering step towards him, cybernetic hand reaching out- </p><p> </p><p>The ground met them and darkness followed.  </p><p> </p><p>***  </p><p> </p><p>Bail. He needed to rescue Bail. It would be his fault, even though he had<em> told</em> that arrogant politician of the dangers, even if his warnings hadn’t been heeded, it was his responsibility. Bail was just a citizen.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben sat up, déjà vu sweeping through him, and very quickly realised that it was Anakin’s body he saw slumped across the ship’s console, not a middle-aged politician. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin?” he croaked, speaking through his disorientation and the taste of copper. He swiped at his face, his hand coming away bloody, and blinked past the multicoloured dots staining his vision. “Anakin?!” </p><p> </p><p>A low moan echoed throughout the cabin as Anakin slowly came to and peeled himself off the deck in front of him. Before spotting the head wound and glass scattered around his collar, Ben saw indents of control buttons on Anakin’s cheeks and something inside of him yearned and lamented. <br/> </p><p>“Shh, my head hurts,” murmured Anakin, touching a finger to the weeping cut on his forehead, “You’re being awfully loud for having just woken up after a crash.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben blinked. He hadn’t said anything particularly loudly.  </p><p> </p><p>“Up here,” answered Anakin, tapping his temple, “Your shields are rubbish right now.” He sat up, wincing, and held a hand to his ribs. “I wasn’t sure if we’d still have the bond, but I guess something in the crash kickstarted it again.” He glanced at Ben, quickly x-raying him. “Are you injured?” </p><p> </p><p>“I-” started Ben, still processing the fact that Anakin could<em> read his mind </em>, “I’m not sure, I haven’t-” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin smirked. “Some things never change. No, no, don’t get up,” he said, waving a hand as Ben made to stand, and stood himself. He swayed dangerously, throwing out a hand to support himself on a beam that had crisscrossed itself into the roof. “Woah.” </p><p> </p><p>Wincing sympathetically, Ben stayed still and watched as Anakin staggered his way through the debris, towards the back of the ship, and emerged moments later with a fully intact medical pack, grinning triumphantly.  </p><p> </p><p>“Our luck continues. Let’s patch ourselves up and head on out,” he said briskly.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben wanted to share his confidence, but the low voice had returned, spitting vitriol and poison into his mind. There was a peculiar numbness to his body; he couldn’t feel any aches or pains past the sludge crawling through his blood.  </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin, we need to leave,” he started anxiously, “I don’t feel right. We need to get off this planet.” </p><p> </p><p>“You’ll be fine once you’re up and about, I promise,” said Anakin breezily. Ben sensed a false bravado coming from his friend, and some lingering conflict within, but he didn’t know how to voice his concerns to a man who knew how to seemingly ignore every negative feeling that the planet was giving off.  </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not ignoring it, Ben,” said Anakin softly. “It just doesn’t care about me.” </p><p> </p><p>“Please stop doing that,” said Ben, unnerved. </p><p> </p><p>“Doing what? </p><p> </p><p>“Reading my mind.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin laughed shortly, a loud barking noise that bounced off the walls. “You never cared before. Well, you might have, but you never-” </p><p> </p><p>Ben clenched his fists. “I don’t remember that.” </p><p> </p><p>“No, sorry, I know,” replied Anakin quickly, looking a bit abashed, “But we can fix it now. On this planet. We can fix your memory, I promise.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben bit back his instantaneous reply: he didn’t want to be Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan was clearly painful to Anakin, and whatever loyalty Obi-Wan had garnered from the man was void in the face of his suffering. Wasn’t Ben enough? </p><p> </p><p>If Anakin had heard his thoughts, he didn’t show it. Instead, Ben watched as he shuffled through the medpack’s contents and came up with multiple bacta patches and pain tabs. He heard the man mutter something about rations, about war, and he wondered again if being Obi-Wan would be enough to cure Anakin of his obvious trauma. Anakin seemed to think so, considering the lengths he was willing to go; he’d taken Ben to the edge of the galaxy with nothing but hope, a battered ship and a blue droid.  </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” said Anakin, after slapping a square bacta patch on his forehead haphazardly, the edge crinkling upwards where it ran out of skin to attach to. He took a deep breath, wincing. “A couple cracks, but nothing broken. I think.” He rattled the medpack at Ben threateningly. “Your turn.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben looked away. He didn’t hurt, he’d be fine. “I’m fine.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin rolled his eyes fondly, clearly reminiscing about the man <em>before </em>, and it turned Ben’s rotten, corrupted blood black with bitterness. He swallowed it down, acid burning his throat, and stood finally. His knees buckled a bit, but the numbness hadn’t abated, there was no true hurt in his body. There was nothing but the dark sludge pulsing beneath his flesh.  </p><p> </p><p>“Ben? Hey,” said Anakin, clearly picking up something from his sudden weird telepathy, “You’ll be alright. I’ll treat your head wound, and fix your arm, and you’ll be alright.” </p><p> </p><p>A head wound. He had a head wound. That would explain the frightening feelings. Ben nodded, glad to have an explanation for the slamming of his heart, the panic and anxiety knotting his stomach. He stepped forward and offered his arm, the metal creaking and uncooperative. Anakin looked at it with distaste, only for a second, before plastering on a smile again.  </p><p> </p><p>“We’ll do your head first, yeah?”  </p><p> </p><p>Feeling foolish, Ben nodded and stood still for Anakin’s inspection. After a few minutes, he received the same haphazard treatment of a bacta patch, but with kinder hands that Anakin had offered himself. The shallow cuts Ben had carved underneath his hair earlier were wiped clean and treated carefully with gel, leaving his hair dark with grease.  </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” said Anakin, seemingly satisfied that the bacta patch would stay on Ben’s damp temples, and reached for the metal arm, “Lets sort this. I’m much better at this part,” he added encouragingly, waggling his own mechanical fingers.  </p><p> </p><p>Even though Ben had no feeling in his cybernetic arm, he appreciated Anakin's gentleness. Both men seemed to have mixed reactions towards the arm: Anakin for what it seemingly represented to him, and Ben for the sheer confusion of its being. There was little he could remember, and little he wanted to remember from the sounds of it, but he was positive that phantom limb sensation shouldn’t continue for years after the loss. He woke up most mornings reaching for his caf with an arm that should have been there but wasn’t. An event that would have caused him to lose an arm should have been traumatic, should have been <em>memorable </em>, but it wasn’t there, and Anakin hadn’t cared to explain it. Not that he explained much anyway.  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin winced, and Ben wondered if he was still listening in.  </p><p> </p><p>“Are you-” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” said Anakin hurriedly, twisting the ring finger wires, “I really don’t mean to. You’re just an open book right now.” </p><p> </p><p>“Well, shut it,” muttered Ben darkly.  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin smiled apologetically. “I can’t when you’re broadcasting it. There,” he said, and closed the finger panels again. Ben flexed his fingers stiffly. “It’s not perfect, but we don’t have time for perfect.” He looked outside; the windshield had been blown open and a gentle breeze drifted in. “I’ll have to teach you how to shield, if you have the Force back. But I don’t know how long you’ll have it for, and we don’t really have the time.” </p><p> </p><p>Too many questions clamoured in his head, overwhelming him, and so Ben decided to say nothing and instead take a deep breath, as Anakin had done, to test his health. His lungs felt clear, but his ribs hugged against them too tight and he struggled to draw a full breath. He resolved to tell Anakin when they were off the craft. Something inside him said that they shouldn’t have lingered as long as they had, that something about the engines were dangerous.  </p><p> </p><p>He said as much to Anakin, who nodded. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re right, let’s get out. I don’t think the fuel tanks have burst, but we can’t be too careful,” he said, offering an arm out to Ben and making his way through the debris, “Especially if you have a bad feeling about it. Your bad feelings tend to be, well, accurate.” </p><p> </p><p>The words held true. Not two minutes after they’d clambered out, the engines roared to life for a moment, almost as if the half-crushed ship was about to take off, and then blew up spectacularly. The high-pitched whine that followed the initial explosion popped Ben’s ears and for a pleasant moment after he heard nothing. He gazed up at the sky, darkening steadily with the fumes from the crash; he fancied he could see the planets they’d visited earlier orbiting across the inky black, and thought about what the rest of the galaxy held. But then the tinnitus faded, and the low muttering voice came back and the darkness crashed in around him, stealing him piece by piece. He gasped, almost wheezing.  </p><p> </p><p>“What's wrong? Are you hurt?” asked Anakin, suddenly at his side, placing his cold metallic hand on Ben’s shoulder.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben nodded. “...I can’t breathe very well.” </p><p> </p><p>“Your ribs?”  </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t...think so...” he murmured, counting his breaths until the cloying darkness ebbed once more and faded to a low background throb, “It’s the planet. I don’t belong here. I need to leave.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s eyebrows were drawn. “You’ll be alright. You’ve been here before, you've recovered from it.” </p><p> </p><p>“I must leave, Anakin.” </p><p> </p><p>“We can’t,” replied Anakin, his face scrunching, “I was told something was here, something that could bring you back.” </p><p> </p><p>“You mean Obi-Wan.” </p><p> </p><p>“You ARE Obi-Wan!” cried Anakin finally, lurching forward like the confession had leapt out of his very throat. “I need you back, Obi-Wan, I need to fix this.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben shook his head, shook Anakin’s hand off him. “No.” </p><p> </p><p>“I killed him, Obi-Wan! Isn’t that enough redemption?” asked Anakin earnestly, desperately.  </p><p> </p><p>“You killed <em>who</em>, Anakin??” shouted Ben, fury rising, “Because I certainly don’t remember!” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s face was white. “You will.” </p><p> </p><p>“And what will I remember, Anakin?” spat Ben, “What will I remember? Pain? Misery? I don’t want it!” </p><p> </p><p>“You-” Anakin was silent for a moment, clearly thinking. “You- you must. Don’t you want to know who you really are?” </p><p> </p><p>“If it’s anything like the man you’ve described, a man who stood by and watched your slaughter, then no, Anakin, I don’t.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin physically recoiled, looking slightly sick. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean to-” He shook his head suddenly, and the red and yellow eyes seemed to shine brighter in the dark. “No. No, I did, I meant it. I wanted it. But when I realised what I’d done, what had become of the people I loved, it wasn’t worth it anymore.” Maybe he saw the disgust on Ben’s face, or read his mind, because he was gripping the front of Ben’s tunics, up close to his face. “You’ll see, you’ll remember. I’m sorry, I’m truly, truly sorry, but you <em>must remember</em>, Obi-Wan. The galaxy will need you. I need you.” His breaths started to hitch. “I didn’t think it would- when he suggested it, I didn’t know how much you’d forget, I didn’t know the severity of it.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben could taste blood. “Of what?” </p><p> </p><p>“There’s an ancient Sith technique he taught me,” said Anakin, a distant look on his face, “It was the only thing I learnt from him, and it was enough. Padme had...” He swallowed raggedly, his grip loosened. “Padme was gone, from forces I didn't understand at the time, and I was forbidden to bring her back. But you...he allowed me to capture you. Have my revenge. We duelled on Mustafar, Obi-Wan, and I was too confident, too cocky, too wrapped up in the dark side. But you gave me mercy.”  </p><p> </p><p>“My mercy cultivated in this.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin looked pained. “It did.” He looked down at Ben’s cold, metal arm. “And that.” </p><p> </p><p><em> Die, Jedi, Die, Jedi, Die, Jedi. </em> </p><p> </p><p>The voice grew louder, and almost familiar. </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? </em> </p><p> </p><p>A sharp pain shot through Ben’s skull, and he pressed his fingers hard against his temples, trying to quell it. Anakin’s hands moved to press against his shoulders, steadying him. </p><p> </p><p>“You can’t remember, Ben, not yet,” he continued, his voice rough, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you all that. It’ll just hurt you. That’s why we need to find the Holocron. The Temples not far, it’s not a long walk from here, a couple of hours tops. But you can’t remember anything until we’re off this planet. It might kill you if we do it too soon.”  </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to,” Ben heard himself saying faintly, “I don’t-” </p><p> </p><p><em> DIE, JEDI, DIE, JEDI, DIE JEDI. </em> </p><p> </p><p><em>YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POW-</em> </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep, Ben. Sleep.  </em> </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wrote the start of this last night at 2am, slept badly, and then continued writing all day. Bon appetit.</p><p>I've been on a SW binge the last couple of months and even though there are lots of lovely Obi-Wan whump and amnesia fics and zigoola fics, there wasn't a fic with all 3 together so I decided to write what I wanted to read. It's my first proper foray into the fandom (I've only recently finished Clone Wars!) so I do hope there aren't inaccuracies...if there are, please do tell!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. bens remembering</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey,” said a soft voice. Ben winced and drew himself into tighter in a ball. The ground was hard beneath him, packed and dense with rough foliage, unforgiving. A hand gently shook his shoulder. “Hey, wake up.” </p><p> </p><p>“’m awake,” mumbled Ben, drowsily shaking off the hand and starting to sit up. He rubbed at his eyes, regretting it instantly as the metal fingertips scratched at him. As he slowly took in the landscape surrounding them, a short pain shot through his temples and he groaned, fingertips going to his head. “...my head.” </p><p> </p><p>“We need to move,” said Anakin at his side, his sympathetic eyes clashing with the determined look on his face, “Can you stand?” </p><p> </p><p>Ben tried. His knees cracked and his hands shook, but he made it upright, stumbling into Anakin’s waiting arms. “I...urgh...” </p><p> </p><p>“I know, I’m sorry, you’ll feel like bantha shit for a while I imagine,” said Anakin, “But we really need to get moving. The quicker we can get to the Temple, the quicker we can get off this rock.” </p><p> </p><p>The blood in his veins ran slow and dark. Something about it was familiar, something about this whole planet was, but thinking hurt his head and drew on his anger. Behind the furious mutterings (<em> Die, Jedi, Die Jedi) </em> there was a gentler presence, a light warmth at his core, telling him to be careful of his emotions, of his place on this world. He half wanted it to retreat; regardless of the peace the presence bought, he could feel like darkness feeding on it, gluttonous. Something that sacred needed to be protected, kept close, and he ushered it away, deep into the depths of himself.  </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s move,” said Ben, a sudden determination rushing through him. Anakin was right; if there was a way to leave this planet, he wanted to do it as quickly as possible.  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin smiled half-heartedly and held out a slightly singed pack. “Here, I searched for some supplies. Not much survived the crash, but I found some water and rations, and I split the medpack between us.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben nodded, taking the pack and shouldering it. He thought it’d be heavy, but the drag of the planet on his body made the pack feel featherlight in comparison.  </p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” said Anakin suddenly, taking his arm and gripping it tight, “Try not to remember anything.” </p><p> </p><p>“Remember anything?” asked Ben, confused. He barely remembered what happened to make them crash. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin looked just as confused as him. “Yeah, like what we talked about?” he said, brows drawn, “A couple of hours ago? I didn’t put you to sleep that long.” </p><p> </p><p>“You put me to sleep?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s mouth dropped, panic briefly taking residence on his face, before he turned away, running a hand through his hair. He turned back; a smile was now plastered on his face. “Yeah, I did. You were feeling unwell after the crash.” </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” agreed Ben uncertainly. He didn’t remember it, but he trusted Anakin. He hadn’t met anyone besides Anakin and the droid to trust otherwise. “The droid!” </p><p> </p><p>“R2!” cried Anakin, his eyes wide, immediately running back to the wreckage, still smoking slightly, a little way away. Ben watched him pause for a brief second, standing just at the edge of the broken cockpit, and then raised his arms, palms held out. Large sheets of metal lifted into the air, small nuts and bolts floating just underneath. A small sequence of high trills echoed and then the droid itself was being levitated out of the wreckage. Anakin rotated and gently set R2 on the ground beside him, looking pleased. He fiddled with the droid’s antenna and spoke lowly with it, pointing at the crushed ship.  </p><p> </p><p>“Wha-” murmured Ben, fascinated, “You-? How did you do that?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin shot him a strangely fearful look. “Sorry, a magician never reveals his secrets. R2’s staying here, to try to fix us a beacon.” </p><p> </p><p>“Alright,” replied Ben slowly. He shrugged and pulled the straps of his pack tighter. “Shall we?” </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Thirty minutes into their journey, Ben began to feel unwell to the point of collapse. The darkness he felt surging under his skin seemed to intensify the closer they go to the Temple. He tried to say something to Anakin, but was ushered to keep moving. </p><p> </p><p>“See, over there?” said Anakin, pointing, “That big red-ish-black building? That’s the Temple.” </p><p> </p><p>“I know, Anakin,” replied Ben, breathing hard, “I’m just not sure I can-” </p><p> </p><p>“So we’re not far!” interrupted Anakin quickly, “We’re not far, you can do it. I’ll carry you if I must.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben thought about the tight breaths Anakin had been taking thus far, clearly a symptom of his cracked ribs, and resolved not to fall.  But then another step had to be taken, and another, and another, and Ben’s knees gave way. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin caught him instantly. “Please, Ben. Come on.” </p><p> </p><p>He tried to stand again, but suddenly his vision tunnelled and the wretched voice chanted louder. </p><p> </p><p><em> Die, Jedi, Die, Jedi, DIE, JEDI, DIE, JEDI.... </em> </p><p> </p><p>He fell to the ground hard, breathed deep and rose again, but he was someplace else. Anakin had vanished, and a red and black humanoid with a cruel smile had taken his place beside him.  </p><p> </p><p>“I never planned on killing you,” it snarled, hunger in its eyes, “But I will make you share my pain, Kenobi.” </p><p> </p><p>A woman was hanging in midair to the right, grasping at her throat, struggling for breath. <em> Satine </em>, thought Obi-Wan, and tried to rise to save her. A heavy gun slammed down onto his back and he was knocked, breathless, to his hands and knees. Helpless, he watched as Satine was dragged forwards, and the darksaber met her middle. She gasped once, and was released, her body hitting the ground with a soft thump. </p><p> </p><p>“Satine,” croaked Obi-Wan, horrified, and went to her. Except, when he went to cradle her, it wasn’t Satine anymore, but a man with long, grey hair and a hole through his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Obi-Wan,” he murmured, reaching up to cradle his Padawan’s face. </p><p> </p><p>A sharp pain shot through Obi-Wan's head, sending him reeling away from the body, and god no, he hadn’t wanted to do that. But by the time he’d crawled back, the man had vanished, and the dark sludge in his veins turned hot. </p><p> </p><p>“This isn’t right,” he whispered, his heart pounding, “I’m Ben, I’m Ben!” </p><p> </p><p>He reached for the light that resided deep within, and <em> pushed. </em> </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan!” </p><p> </p><p>Ben stirred. </p><p> </p><p>“What was that?! Obi-Wan?” </p><p> </p><p>“...’m not Obi-Wan,” murmured Ben thickly. His pulse pounded in his ears.   </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” said Anakin, not sounding very sorry at all, “Are you hurt? Come on, get up, we need to move!” </p><p> </p><p>Ben pushed himself up off the ground. A heavy exhaustion was set into his bones, and the light deep inside him wavered. He felt like he’d been violated. </p><p> </p><p>“I saw her,” he said, shaky. </p><p> </p><p>“You saw who? What did you see, Ben?” </p><p> </p><p>“I saw...” said Ben, a sharp pain behind his eyes, “Satine and-”  </p><p> </p><p>A flash of the red and black Zabrak appeared in his mind’s eye and he turned to the side to be violently sick. Anakin’s hand rubbed circles on his back, and Ben retched again, acid burning his throat. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” soothed Anakin, “It’s over now. Forget it. Forget it all.” </p><p> </p><p>It was hard to forget with the afterimages burned into his vision. He blinked them away and tried to clear his mind, trusting Anakin, and the nausea abated slightly. He stood, grasping weakly at Anakin’s arm, and they started advancing forwards again, towards the towering Temple ahead. But within the next ten minutes another vision overtook him, sending him stumbling to the ground and rising again as a Padawan, watching a man burn with his Master. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t look away,” murmured Qui-Gon, a heavy hand holding Obi-Wan's shoulder down, gripping tightly, “If we do, we forget, and Tayvor Mandirly does not deserve to be forgotten.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan looked and looked and looked until Tayvor’s body has crisped, the nails the only thing keeping him up on the stake.  </p><p> </p><p>“You must forget, Obi-Wan,” said Qui-Gon suddenly, and Obi-Wan looked up, confused at the mixed message. Qui-Gon was looking down at him, a foreign expression on his face, mouthing words Obi-Wan couldn’t hear.  </p><p> </p><p>“Master?” he asked, and strained to listen. The light in his core assisted him, giving him senses he didn’t know were missing, and he realised it wasn’t Qui-Gon but Anakin, holding him in his arms.  </p><p> </p><p>“Can you hear me?” said Anakin, his words suddenly coming through, “Come back to me, Ben.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m here,” said Ben, shaky, “I’m back, Anakin.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin held him for a long time, and Ben closed his eyes and attempted to even out his breathing. He knew what needed to be done, but as he tried to cleanse his mind, to forget the pictures that plagued him, the darkness crawled and gorged on the ball of light that he cradled in his middle. It was a vicious cycle: the more he tried to forget, the worse he felt; the worse he felt, the more likely it seemed nightmarish visions would overtake him. The closer they got to the Temple, the harder it would be to hold onto himself, and that frightened him. To wake up as Obi-Wan, without realising what he’d lost as Ben, would be horrifying. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t continue,” he murmured, his mouth dry and his heart hammering, “It’s killing me, Anakin.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin looked torn. He glanced between Ben, prone in his arms, and the Temple that loomed in the distance. “We’re....we’re not far, Ben. You can do it.” </p><p> </p><p> “I’m not stupid, Anakin,” said Ben quietly, “Do you truly want him back that badly?” </p><p> </p><p>There was a long pregnant pause. </p><p> </p><p>“I do, Ben,” said Anakin finally, his voice shaking, “I’m sorry. I know it must hurt you now, but you’ll be better.” </p><p> </p><p>“I won’t be anything.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin gripped him tighter and said nothing.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>They made it another half an hour before Ben lost the battle with the darkness in his head and fell into another vision. When he finally awoke, the sensation of firebeetles still setting his skin on fire, the sky had darkened further and an eerie quiet had settled over the woods.  He pushed himself up onto one elbow and searched for Anakin, finding him standing some distance away, a pained look on his face. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m awake,” said Ben, wanting to reassure his friend. “I’m awake now.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin nodded once, but made no attempt to move closer. His hands were on his belt and, for the first time, Ben noticed the two silver objects holstered on it. Something about the way Anakin was standing, his hands a hair breadth away from the handles, suggested they were weapons. <em> Lightsabers </em> <em> ,  </em>thought Ben briefly, and keened with the sudden pain that shot through his head.  </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t,” said Anakin shortly. “Forget it. Forget whatever you just saw.” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s mine, isn’t it?” asked Ben, because he could suddenly feel the absence of the weapon in his hand. The pain increased tenfold, but it was his, he knew it; that lightsaber was a part of him. “I need it back.” </p><p> </p><p>“You need what back, Ben?” </p><p> </p><p>“My lightsa-” </p><p> </p><p>“No, Ben,” said Anakin, “It’s not yours. Let’s move.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben moved, pushing himself upwards on shaky legs. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he gasped, reaching out. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin met him halfway. He slung Ben’s arm over his shoulder and, together, they moved.  </p><p> </p><p>“I thought you were possessed,” said Anakin a little while later. </p><p> </p><p>Ben couldn’t speak, his exhaustion too great, but he briefly tightened his mechanical fingers on Anakin’s shoulder to acknowledge him.  </p><p> </p><p>“You were screaming on the ground, crying out for-” Anakin stopped, paused for a second and continued, “You were screaming and convulsing. I thought something here had possessed you, something that would make you dangerous. I’m sorry I didn’t help.” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine,” whispered Ben. His blood had turned to sludge again, and the voice chanting for death was growing louder, more insistent. “I was dreaming of firebeetles,” he said, to drown it out, “On Tanaab. They were eating me alive.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin was quiet for a moment. “How old were you?” </p><p> </p><p>“Sixteen,” said Ben without thinking.  </p><p> </p><p>“...I didn’t know that.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben looked sideways, confused; a hurt expression was on Anakin’s face. “You were there.” </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t have been,” replied Anakin, glancing down at him, “I’d have been a kid.” </p><p> </p><p>“No, no,” said Ben, feeling faraway, “You had my arm. You stood over me and you had my arm in your hands.” </p><p> </p><p>Abruptly, Anakin stopped walking. He took Ben’s metal arm off his shoulders and guided him to the ground gently. Then he dropped to his knees, bent in half, and put his head in his hands. A harsh sob broke the quiet in the air. Ben absently patted his friend’s back, the pain in his head making it hard to think. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” he soothed over Anakin’s rough cries, “I’m awake now.” </p><p> </p><p>They stayed there on the hard forest floor for a while. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“We’re here,” murmured Anakin, shaking Ben awake. </p><p> </p><p>He’d been carrying Ben in a fireman’s lift for the last leg of the journey. Ben had collapsed, with an air of finality, after the most recent vision had completely overwhelmed him; it had taken him to a duel with his Master’s Master, and Anakin had lost his arm; he had watched his Master’s old Padawan jump into a pool of acid on Bandomeer; he’d been mining with a soldier, a slave collar around his neck, and watched innocents suffer; he’d fought wildly with a pale assassin, a cyborg wielding his brothers and sisters’ lightsabers, the red and black Zabrak, and, strangely, Anakin himself.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben opened his eyes, and shut them again just as tightly. Even looking at the Temple hurt; as soon as he’d seen the black stone tinged with red, the darkness solidified his insides, scalding his blood and choking his heart.  </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t,” he whispered frantically, “Let go of me, Anakin.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin, finally, listened and guided him to the ground, letting him scramble away. He panted, metal hand clutching at his chest, and prayed for breath, for light. </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to do anything,” he heard Anakin say, “Just stay here whilst I get the Holocron.” </p><p> </p><p>He nodded, his breaths now thin and frantic, and concentrated on staying in the present. The cruel voice was the loudest it had ever been, and it took all of his strength to ignore it. Distantly, he heard Anakin step away and run towards the Temple.  </p><p> </p><p><em> DIE, JEDI, DIE, JEDI, DIE, JEDI.... </em> </p><p> </p><p>Ben curled up and clasped his hands over his ears. “Shut up,” he muttered angrily, “Shut up, shut up!” </p><p> </p><p>He had no idea how Anakin couldn’t hear it, or how he wasn’t affected by the planet’s dark hold.  </p><p> </p><p><em> But you do. </em> </p><p> </p><p>His heart leapt into his throat. The voice was responding to his thoughts.  </p><p> </p><p><em> You know exactly why </em> , it called,  <em> R </em> <em> emember, Obi-Wan. You must remember. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Anakin said he shouldn’t remember. He trusted him, so he wouldn’t.  </p><p> </p><p><em> Why trust a man who has done nothing but lie to you?  </em> It hissed,  <em> He wants Obi-Wan, not you.  </em> </p><p> </p><p>“Shut up,” groaned Ben, “Please, please shut up!” </p><p> </p><p><em> He can make you remember </em> , mused the cruel voice,  <em> You </em> <em>  have a Sith’s hold on you, and only a Sith can break it. </em> </p><p> </p><p> Anakin wasn’t a Sith. Ben didn’t know what a Sith was, but the word was cruel and cut him to his core. Anakin wasn’t a Sith. But pain erupted behind his eyes and visions of Anakin, of him holding Ben’s bloody arm, of his red eyes and his red saber and his red Master standing behind him, a cruel smile etched on his face. </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? </em> </p><p> </p><p>“NO!” cried Ben, and the ground around him erupted. His hand was empty, but he could feel the cool grip of his lightsaber, and something within him burned and burned and burned. He stood, legs shaking but feeling stronger than he had since waking from his deep sleep, since the very start, since Mustofar<em> . </em> </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? </em> </p><p> </p><p>He started walking. </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? </em> </p><p> </p><p>He could see Anakin in the distance, and his empty grip tightened. </p><p> </p><p><em> What- </em> </p><p> </p><p>“-DID YOU DO?” screamed Anakin angrily, running back to him, “IT’S IN RUINS!” </p><p> </p><p>“I’ve done nothing,” growled Ben, “I’ve done nothing because I’m not <em> him.” </em> </p><p> </p><p><em> “ </em>Well, whatever you did, it’s gone, its kriffing gone!” shouted Anakin, “You and Bail did something to the Temple when you were here, and you didn’t bother to tell me, as usual!” </p><p> </p><p>Ben held out his hand. His lightsaber flew from Anakin’s waist to his waiting hand.  </p><p> </p><p>“No, stop, wait-!” </p><p> </p><p>The cylindrical hilt fit neatly into his palm, and a sense of completion washed over him. The plasma blade erupted in a blue light with his will, and he held it out, considering it. </p><p> </p><p>“This <em> is </em> my lightsaber,” murmured Ben. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin looked angry. “Give that back!” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s my lightsaber.” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not yours!” shouted Anakin, his eyes flashing a sickly yellow, “It’s not yours yet, because I can’t find the kriffing Holocron, because YOU collapsed the Temple somehow!” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not him, Anakin,” said Ben, even as he held Obi-Wan's lightsaber. He could feel another vision creeping up, but he clenched his lightsaber tightly, painfully, and the feeling faded briefly before coming back again at full force. He stumbled and fell to one knee.  </p><p> </p><p>“What will you do with him, Lord Vader?”  </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan glanced up, breathing hard, and recognised the Chancellor standing behind Anakin, a cruel, considering smile on his face. He reached for his lightsaber with an arm that wasn’t there and cried out as the pain suddenly hit him, sending waves of agony through his body. His arm wasn’t there. <em> His arm wasn’t there. </em> </p><p> </p><p>“What do you suggest, my Master?” asked Anakin, but it wasn’t to Obi-Wan, it was to the Chancellor; he was the Sith Lord they’d been searching for. </p><p> </p><p>“I know you care for him, my boy,” crooned Palpatine, “But, considering his state, perhaps it is kinder to-” </p><p> </p><p>“No,” said Anakin shortly. His eyes were amber ringed with yellow, a far cry from the sky blue they were the last time Obi-Wan had seen his grown Padawan. There was only anger and hate in him, but his voice was deadly soft. “He killed Padme. He deserves worse.” </p><p> </p><p>“Padme,” murmured Obi-Wan, his mouth sticky with blood. “No, no, Padme is-” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin stepped forward, fury marring his boy-ish face. “Don’t speak of her!” </p><p> </p><p>“Perhaps,” said Palpatine, almost grandfatherly, “Perhaps it is best all is forgotten.” He grasped Anakin’s shoulder. “Do you trust me, Anakin?” </p><p> </p><p>To the man who had raised the boy, Anakin looked uncertain. But to his new Master, there was only conviction in his voice. </p><p> </p><p>“I do, my Master.” </p><p> </p><p>Palpatine’s lips moved into a smile that didn’t quite reach his sharp eyes. “Good. Good.” He threw back his hood and slithered over to Obi-Wan, still prone on the lava floor. “Study closely, my apprentice.” </p><p> </p><p>He reached out a wizened hand and touched Obi-Wan's forehead. Cursed electricity sparked from his fingers and- </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan screamed and screamed and screamed. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“OBI-WAN!” </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>At first there was nothing. He could remember a certain emptiness, and the first etchings of his chalk consciousness onto the blank slate of his mind. It was unnerving, though he wasn’t sure why.  </p><p> </p><p>He’d woken briefly to pain (his own) and anger (not his own), before sliding back under just as quickly. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like I should've taken a couple more days with this chapter, but I wanted to write the next chapter, so have this I guess :')</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. ben sleeps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Padme had been beautiful and full of life, so much so that the Living Force would curl around her even though she couldn’t sense it. Even after collapsing, even after touching her pulse and counting her heartbeats on the hard rock of Mustafar, even whilst her body had looked dead, her soul fluttered, anguished but alive.  </p><p> </p><p>“Padme,” murmured Ben, and reached out expectantly. He felt Anakin take his hand and clasp it tightly. Before he forgot, he needed to tell him. “She lives.” </p><p> </p><p>“She does.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben was quiet for a moment, absorbing the simple sadness that emanated from Anakin. “Where is she?” </p><p> </p><p>“On Naboo,” replied Anakin simply, “With the children.” </p><p> </p><p>“Is she safe?” </p><p> </p><p>Silence lingered between them, Anakin seemingly on the precipice of sadness and rage. Finally, he murmured, so softly that Ben had to strain to hear it, “She is now.” </p><p> </p><p>He said no more, and Ben forgot.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Ben woke, groggy and in pain. His body burned and he felt the heavy absence of his missing arm. Instinctively, he looked for Anakin, and found him sitting a little way away, his eyes closed and a campfire crackling in front of him. Ben’s heart stuttered and a sudden, unexplainable panic rose in him at the sight. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he whispered, his mouth dry, “Anakin, what have you done?” </p><p> </p><p>“Shh,” replied Anakin, not moving from his lotus pose, “Meditating.” </p><p> </p><p>There was a certain wrongness about that, an unfamiliarity that stemmed from watching Anakin’s meditation, but Ben shook his head, attempting to clear the cobwebs in his mind, and took stock of himself instead. He was unharmed, apart from the injuries from the crash, but he felt shaky and anxious, his heart beating rabbit fast. He rubbed his eyes and searched the landscape; the Zigoola Temple was far away, the ruins in clear view – Anakin must have taken them round the other side and set up camp. The blue and white astromech droid was here too now, stationed quietly next to Anakin. </p><p> </p><p>“How long was I asleep?” asked Ben, because surely it had been hours, enough time for Anakin to set up shop and for R2 to have travelled to them.  </p><p> </p><p>“A couple of days,” replied Anakin calmly, “We’re waiting for a pickup. R2 found a signal from one of our men.” </p><p> </p><p>“Days?” repeated Ben, feeling lightheaded. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin opened one eye to look at him steadily. “You needed to recover. That last vision took it out of you.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben wet his mouth with his tongue. “The last vision?” </p><p> </p><p>“Mm,” murmured Anakin, and said no more. He closed his eyes again and bowed his head close to his chest. Ben’s eyes followed the movement and found him cradling a small, delicate looking, triangular shaped object. It emanated with darkness, and now that Ben had seen it, he could feel the black tendrils creeping ever closer to him, intent on pain... </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he asked, high pitched, “Anakin, what is that?” </p><p> </p><p>“If you let me concentrate,” replied Anakin, his calm edged with annoyance now, “It could be our ticket out of this hell.”  </p><p> </p><p>“But what <em> is  </em>it, Anakin?!” </p><p> </p><p>Instead of answering, Anakin uncurled himself from his meditation and stood. He crossed the distance between them and touched a finger to Ben’s forehead. Panic rose in him, and Ben tried to move back, expecting pain, some raw, animal instinct within him telling him to get away get away... </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep Ben </em> , said Anakin’s voice inside his head, and then again, harder,  <em> SLEEP </em>. </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept, terrified.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Ben woke, groggy and in pain. His body burned and he felt the heavy absence of his missing arm. Instinctively, he looked for Anakin, and found him sitting a little way away, his eyes closed and a triangular shaped object on a table in front of him. Ben’s heart stuttered and a sudden, unexplainable panic rose in him at the sight. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he whispered, his mouth dry, “Anakin, what have you done?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin looked up, his brows furrowed and gazed at Ben for a long while. Eventually he answered, “Our men came to pick us up, like I said.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben wracked his brain, trying desperately to remember. He trusted Anakin, he knew he wouldn’t lie, but there was nothing. He looked deeper, searching for the ball of light he’d remembered having on...he’d remembered holding a soft something before, but it had diminished. All he felt now was an absence, like a part of him was missing, and it frightened him. </p><p> </p><p>“Where are we?” he asked shakily, because suddenly it felt vital that he needed to know. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s eyes were hard. The crimson colour of them was vibrant, reflecting the triangular object in front of him. “It must be gone again,” he murmured thoughtfully. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s gone?” asked Ben, his head empty and hazy and so frustrating, “What am I missing?” </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, Ben,” replied Anakin, and it would have been gentle if not for the aura coming from him, soaked in darkness, “Go back to sleep.” </p><p> </p><p>“No,” said Ben hoarsely, because he knew those words, knew the wrongness of them, and he tried to stand up, scramble away, but his legs shook and his body fell and Anakin’s voice was in <em> his head </em>. </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep </em>, it said. </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Ben woke, groggy and in pain. His body burned and he felt the heavy absence of his missing arm- </p><p> </p><p>“Go back to sleep, Ben.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin was suddenly towering over him, a thunderous expression on his face. He felt dark, darker than space, darker than the hole in Ben’s heart, and a sense of danger lingered in the air. </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he whispered, his mouth dry, “Anakin, what have you done?” </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep </em> , said Anakin’s voice inside his head,  <em> SLEEP. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin,” he whispered, his mouth dry, “Anakin, what have you done?” </p><p> </p><p>He thought he heard a frustrated sob, but louder than it was: </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep. </em> </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>And slept. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>And slept. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Ben woke, groggy and in pain. His body burned and he felt the heavy absence of his missing arm. Instinctively, he looked for Anakin, but he was nowhere to be found.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben was alone. </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep </em>, he thought drowsily, and embraced it. </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept. </p><p> <br/>*** </p><p> </p><p>The next time he woke, he felt a presence in the room. Someone was watching him. </p><p> </p><p>He pushed himself up on wobbly arms and cast his eyes around the small, tidy room. There, in the doorway, stood a man in white armour. He was tall, taller than Ben at least, with nondescript features, bar a thin scar running perpendicular down his eye and a bandage around his head.  </p><p> </p><p>“Hello,” ventured Ben, trying for calm. It was hard while his heart was hammering and his palms were sweaty, but clearly, he passed for calm, as the tightness on the other man’s face faded, replaced by a vague fondness.  </p><p> </p><p>“...sir,” said the man, almost involuntarily. Something else quickly passed across his face, a sour sort of expression, and he turned briskly, exiting the room before Ben could call him back.  </p><p> </p><p>The door closed behind him, and though Ben felt he should follow the man, an exhaustion passed over him and instead he leant back against the pillows, folded his arms and resumed sleep.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>“With respect, General-” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not a General anymore, <em> Commander </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>“With respect, <em> sir </em>, you can’t just keep him sedated.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben woke gently, quietly, and listened. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s not sedated.” </p><p> </p><p>“You can call it sleeping for 24 hours a day, sir, but I call it sedation.” </p><p> </p><p>“What else do you want me to do?!” That was Anakin’s voice. “He’s in pain when he’s awake, and I can’t fix him yet!” </p><p> </p><p>“He’s a person, not a droid.” </p><p> </p><p>A fond feeling rose up in Ben’s chest at those words, at that voice, but it was counterpoint to the sharp ache beginning to build in his temples.  </p><p> </p><p>“It might not be us; it might be that Sith artifact-” </p><p> </p><p>“I’ve almost got it,” said Anakin roughly, “I can mend it soon and then-” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s destroying you, Skywalker, even I can see that.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben moaned softly, the pain stark behind his eyes too now, and moved to cradle his head. </p><p> </p><p>“Look!” cried Anakin, anguished, and Ben heard him walking over and felt him place a hand on top of his head and- </p><p> </p><p>“Sir, don't-!” </p><p> </p><p><em> Sleep. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Ben slept. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>A steady voice and a steady hand woke him.  </p><p> </p><p>“Wake up, you need to eat,” it said. Something about it was familiar, but Ben decided not to think too hard about it. </p><p> </p><p>Wakefulness was odd; there was a certain mistiness about him, and the temptation to dive back under was almost too great. Almost. </p><p> </p><p>“’m not hungry,” mumbled Ben, because he wasn’t. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m afraid that’s bantha shit, sir,” replied the voice, and, force, it was so familiar, so... </p><p> </p><p>“Cody?” he asked, the words tumbling out of his mouth. He paused, waiting for the pain, but when it came (and it came, it always came) it was merely a low throb, almost background noise to the tired fuzziness dampening his sense.  </p><p> </p><p>“Cody?” he asked again, because there hadn’t been a reply. He sat up, struggling until that steady hand moved to support him. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s right, sir,” said Cody, his voice rough but his actions gentle, “Though try to forget that. I’m just a friend for now.” </p><p> </p><p>“Cody, where are we?” asked Ben, ignoring the advice. He felt comfortable and, for the first time in a while, safe. The urge to sleep weighed on him and the headache was a low, constant throb, but he needed answers to the questions he hadn’t be able to ask. It felt familiar, working through problems with Cody, and he craved familiar.  </p><p> </p><p>Cody, however, seemed to disagree. His lips thinned and his brows furrowed, clearly thinking how to give the correct answer. After a few seconds, he seemed to come to an internal decision, and nodded quickly, once.  </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t reveal too much, not even to you, General,” he said, and immediately grimaced, “And I shouldn’t be calling you General, apologies.” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine,” replied Ben quickly; his temples had flared with sharp pain briefly at the term, but he needed his answers. “Cody, quick, where are we? What’s happening? I can’t- something’s wrong with Anakin.” </p><p> </p><p>“He’s fine,” said Cody vaguely, “And you’re safe aboard our ship.” </p><p> </p><p>“That’s not enough,” said Ben, gritting his teeth against the pain, “I need more information.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t-” </p><p> </p><p>Something, someone, called from within him and supplied a word. “Commander.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody straightened, surprise turning quickly to determination. He looked around the room, and it was only now that Ben saw the cameras blinking red at him from high on the ceiling, and leant forward. </p><p> </p><p>“General Skywalker says you’re under some sort of Sith curse, and he’s trying to fix it. We’re not supposed to talk to you; remembering causes you pain.”  </p><p> </p><p>Cody spoke briskly and quietly, and even though Ben tried to follow, the words drifted away as soon as he caught them. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to absorb the information, to <em> retain </em> it. It felt like knowledge he’d had before, and if he’d had it before he could have it again now.  </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? </em> </p><p> </p><p>“We found the Sith Lord,” murmured Ben, tasting blood and soot and sweat.  </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you found them, sir, and-” </p><p> </p><p>But Ben didn’t hear what Cody said next. <em> Them </em> , he had said. Them. And suddenly he could see them, clear as day, standing in the room, and his heart  <em> lurched </em>. </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? Said the cloaked figure. </em> </p><p> </p><p><em> What do you suggest, my Master? Asked Anakin, his eyes and sword and soul blood red. </em> </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin, it’s Anakin,” breathed Ben, and suddenly it was his last breath because his lungs had collapsed and his vision was white and his head...his head... “It’s Anakin, it’s Anakin-” </p><p> </p><p>“General,” he heard Cody saying, a fearful note in his tone, “Obi-Wan, it’s okay-” </p><p> </p><p>The name splintered his eyes, and his consciousness shattered like a broken kyber crystal. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>In his dreams, he walked with Qui-Gon.  </p><p> </p><p>“What troubles you in life won’t touch you here,” assured his Master, as they travelled through the lush greenery. Behind them lay the Jedi Temple and all around were fields of green, ones that Obi-Wan had only seen on fertile planets like Alderaan and Takodana. Occasionally he fancied he could hear the light tones of his brothers and sisters from the creche, or from the council, but he never saw them. He walked with Qui-Gon, and Qui-Gon alone.  </p><p> </p><p>“I think he knows what must happen,” said Obi-Wan lightly, referring to his other self, the person locked in his body, and feeling very strangely about the whole thing, “But I’m not sure if he – if I - will have the strength to come back.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure he will,” replied Qui-Gon easily, “I have seen you make many a difficult decision, and even sometimes the wrong one.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan smiled. “Sometimes,” he said, “But not this time, I think.” </p><p> </p><p>“Indeed,” replied Qui-Gon, and then in the next breath he was gone, leaving Obi-Wan to walk alone. </p><p> </p><p>In the distance he could see the green grass start to curl up and smoke, small rivulets of grey billowing from the sea of green. The scent of Mustafar lit up around him, and Obi-Wan lifted his head to gaze at the darkening sky. </p><p> </p><p>“Not this time,” he murmured, and reached for the Force.  </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Ben awoke. It had been a pleasant dream, but, like most dreams, he was left grasping at the threads. There had been smoke and flowers, he thought, kind words and tired smiles.  </p><p> </p><p>He rubbed his eyes and sat up. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re awake.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben turned; Anakin was sat in the corner of the room. He looked exhausted. </p><p> </p><p>“You look exhausted,” said Ben, his mind feeling oddly loose.  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin smiled tiredly. “I am. You must be too.” </p><p> </p><p>“Actually,” replied Ben, feeling fresher by the second, “I think I’ve slept enough.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” agreed Anakin, and he stood up, “I think you have.” </p><p> </p><p>In his hand was a silver, cylindrical object. <em> Mine </em>, thought Ben quietly, without quite understanding what it was.  </p><p> </p><p>“It’s yours,” said Anakin and offered it out.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben took it tentatively; it felt like a turning point. “Thank you.” </p><p> </p><p>They were both silent and still for a moment. The hum of the cameras, which Ben hadn’t noticed until their absence, were silent, and the white of the room suddenly made sense. There were IVs running into his flesh arm, and Ben laid the silver object on his lap to fiddle with them, wondering. </p><p> </p><p>“Fluids,” supplied Anakin, “And food.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben nodded. He’d presumed as much. Like the cameras, he hadn’t noticed how hungry he was until he suddenly wasn’t.  </p><p> </p><p>“Ben,” said Anakin suddenly, “Do you know who you are?” </p><p> </p><p>“I know who you want me to be,” replied Ben steadily, still picking at the IVs.  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin was quiet for a moment. <em> Uncharacteristic </em> , thought something inside Ben.  <em> Shut up </em>, thought Ben.  </p><p> </p><p>“I know you think you’re your own person now-” started Anakin. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” said Ben dryly.  </p><p> </p><p>“But it’s not sustainable,” said Anakin, frowning, “You’ll die. And even if it were, I can’t let you. I couldn’t forgive myself if I let Obi-Wan go.” </p><p> </p><p>Something bad and bitter sparked up in his gut, and although he couldn’t remember much, he could remember his awakening.  </p><p> </p><p>“Good,” said Ben, tasting his blood, blackened, in the back of his throat, “You’ve done truly terrible things, right? Why should you deserve Obi-Wan back?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin had the grace to look stricken and fell silent again.  </p><p> </p><p>“He’s-” he began, shakily, “It’s not for me. I’m not just doing this for me. I’m doing this for everyone else. Everyone who also lost Obi-Wan.” He looked up. “I know what I did is unforgivable. But I’m not looking for redemption. I’m looking for justice.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben studied him. “Have they forgiven you? The others?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin smiled wryly. “I don’t think they ever will.” </p><p> </p><p>“Then why are they helping you?” </p><p> </p><p>Now he laughed, his eyes slightly watery. “They’re not helping me, they’re helping you.” </p><p> </p><p>“You mean Obi-Wan,” replied Ben, and the bitterness burned.  </p><p> </p><p>“No,” corrected Anakin gently, “I mean you. They love Obi-Wan, but the men here are sworn to protect the Republic; they’re peacekeepers. If that means protecting you, then they’ll do it to the ends of the universe.” </p><p> </p><p>Ben thought for a moment. He relished the feeling. “Why can I think clearly again?” </p><p> </p><p>“Because we’re off that stinking rock,” replied Anakin simply, and he gave a small, proud smile with his next words, “And because I’ve fixed the Holocron.” </p><p> </p><p>He bent and dug a triangular shaped object out of a dark bag sat beneath his chair, and opened it. Ben flinched, half expecting something dark and corrupted to spill out of it, but nothing happened. He gave Anakin a questioning look. </p><p> </p><p>“It took me a while, and it almost convinced me to turn back,” said Anakin, sounding thoughtful but Ben could see the small, frightened child playing in his pale eyes, “But I learnt its secrets. And now I know how to reverse what we did to you.” He gazed at Ben for a long time before speaking again. “If you want.” </p><p> </p><p>Instead of answering, because who could answer such a world destroying question, Ben lay back down, gripping his...his... </p><p> </p><p>He thought hard, trying desperately to find the word.  </p><p> </p><p>“They aren’t coming to me anymore,” he whispered, “Obi-Wan’s life, his words.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin was quiet, listening. <em> He learnt that from me,  </em> thought Ben, but then, no, that wasn’t right,  <em> He learnt that from Obi-Wan, </em> and it hurt him deeply.  </p><p> </p><p>He looked down at the object again, the one that felt so important to him that it was almost a part of him. It was wrong, it was so wrong, but even wronger was this boy sat in front of him, guilty and regretful and so full of love that he’d risked his own sense of being, his sense of self, to find a way to bring his brother back. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not fair,” whispered Ben, and the ache in his chest intensified, the bitterness turning slow and weak against the decision he now had to face. </p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s not,” said Anakin softly. </p><p> </p><p>“What did you suppose would happen?” asked Ben, trying to be angry, but it was an empty, hollow sort of anger, “That I would be happy to die? That you’d play executioner to a man who didn’t even know himself, let alone his place in the universe?” </p><p> </p><p>“I thought it was kinder,” murmured Anakin, looking down at his own lap, at his metal hand twisting the fabric of his black tunics, “It was certainly kinder than death. Sidio-” He cut himself off. </p><p> </p><p>“You were wrong,” snapped Ben, the anger turning real, “You were wrong, and you can’t even tell me why you did it, because it <em> hurts </em> when you do. That’s your doing.” </p><p> </p><p>“I know.” </p><p> </p><p> “And now I need to make this decision, one that will kill me, based on information I can’t receive, because I won’t be able to hear it.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p> </p><p>“What can you tell me, Anakin?!” shouted Ben, hot and hurt and angry, “Because I’m really trying to find a reason to-.” </p><p> </p><p>“Obi-Wan is loved,” replied Anakin, as sure as the sun. </p><p> </p><p>“And I’m not?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin was quiet. It was damning. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” said Ben hopefully, offering it out like an olive branch. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin stood. He left the empty Holocron on the chair and left the room. He paused in the doorway, turning back and looking at Ben, studying him; he looked like he was already mourning something he had not quite lost, or maybe it was something he had lost a long time ago.  </p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t realise it at the time, Ben, but what was done to Obi-Wan wasn’t to hurt him, it was to hurt me. I agreed to it. I didn’t anticipate that I’d have to kill the man Obi-Wan would become. I thought it was easy.” He turned back. “I’m sorry it’s not.” </p><p> </p><p>The door closed gently behind him. </p><p> </p><p>The room was quiet.  </p><p> </p><p>Ben wiped the hot tears from his eyes, his anger ebbing, and studied the silver object, trying to remember its name.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:')  sorry Ben</p><p>I'm thinking 1 more chapter should finish this off, but we'll see.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. goodbye ben</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When the quiet had become too much, and sleep had forsaken and eluded him, Ben took to gazing out of the small porthole above his medical bay bed. Space was vast, and though he’d viewed billions on stars </span>
  <span>planetside</span>
  <span> when they’d been searching for the Holocron, he’d yet to see more than a hundred stars outside the ship. It seemed like they’d travel forever, endlessly drifting in the inky nothingness, and, Ben thought, perhaps that was the point of the journey they now took; there was nowhere else to go, not until Obi-Wan was returned. It felt like an oddly fitting end for him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Cody came by, a few hours after Anakin had left, and sat with him. His steady, stoic presence was both comforting and saddening at the same time.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how you feel, sir,” said Cody, trying to fill the space with his words, stilted as they were, “We all do, my brothers and I.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t call me sir,” mumbled Ben, because that wasn’t his honorific, he knew now, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Apologies,” replied Cody, and shuffled restlessly. He didn’t seem suited to sitting down. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s eyes tracked a spot outside, a deep purple patch against the dark of space, looking almost like a bruise. It must have been a reflection of something, colour doesn’t just appear, but he couldn’t quite figure it out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How could you know?” he murmured absently, not really talking to Cody, but he must have hit a mark, because he heard the man straighten. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t say,” replied Cody steadily, “But I do. I know what it’s like to lose yourself, to become someone else entirely and then have to shed it and live with it. With what you’ve done.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That gave Ben cause to turn. “Will Obi-Wan remember me?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I remembered who I’d been,” said Cody lowly, an odd </span>
  <span>ruefulness</span>
  <span> tinging his words, “But I don’t think it’ll be the same. He won’t regret you.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He might,” replied Ben, turning back to the porthole.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He won’t,” said Cody, sounding surer, “Because he’s a good man.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a good man.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That you are, Ben.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There was nothing else to say to that, so Ben continued gazing into space. He felt Cody leave after a while, like Anakin had, and it left a gaping hole of loneliness in his chest where previously there had only been love.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At some point, he’d fallen asleep. He’d awoken in an emptiness, but for the scent of grass and the song of birds and the comfort of a friend.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Ben,” said a fatherly voice, and he turned, but all he saw was the stark black. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” answered Ben, unsure. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nobody replied. Nothing happened. He took a step; it felt watery underneath him, unsteady, and the more he walked the more the sensations around him faded. The birdsong quietened into nothing, the scent of grass vanished, but the sense of a friend lingered, and Ben took comfort in it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like to wake up now,” whispered Ben, but instead of waking, a road materialised in front of him, and so he walked.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He travelled the beaten path, tracing footsteps already imprinted. The blankness around him was stark, and he half wondered if it reflected the desolation inside of himself. It felt almost like the void of space, except even space had reason to exist. He thought back to his conversation with Anakin, the choice that he had to make that wasn’t really a choice at all, and contemplated his own existence, the weight of it against the man whose life he stole. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask for this” murmured Ben, his chest tight.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Almost as if in response, the feeling of the friend nearby intensified briefly, and Ben almost felt a hand on his shoulder, but when he turned, still there was no-one there. He looked down at the footsteps he was standing in; surely there must have been life here, in this dream. And suddenly it clicked: there had been. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Obi-Wan,” said Ben lowly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Obi-Wan,” echoed the voice, and for a brief moment the man behind it materialised; he was old, older than Ben, with long, grey hair and a kind smile. But then he was gone again, his presence completely vanishing, leaving a silence and an aching finality, and a quiet hurt. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ben was left with nothing, nobody, and as he turned around, expecting something to appear, he realised that nothing would ever appear behind him. In front of him was empty, but he was free to step in it, to make his own mark in the road, but behind him lay an old life that he wasn’t able to see. There was no pain to it, not anymore, but there was an odd grief. All that history, lost. All that future, realised Ben as he studied the footsteps in front of him, gone. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask for this.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t. But he’d come to a decision, had come to it a while ago really (as soon as Anakin had looked at him on the ship, all those weeks ago, not seeing Ben at all). It would hurt, but it was right. There was an odd numbness with realising that his life was not his own, but the sense of loss would follow him, the what-ifs, and the hungry gazes of the friends he suddenly realised were strangers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His step landed him in another of Obi-Wan's and he took a deep breath. As he quietly lamented his own short life, he looked up at the dark, imagining the light of the stars he’d watched earlier, and closed his eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m ready.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The dream faded and turned, like the page of a novel.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They’d found him on the bridge eventually. Ben had been able to walk out of his room and through the long, narrow corridors of the ship without issue. It was bigger than the one he travelled on with Anakin, all those weeks ago, but small enough that it was easy to figure out which routes he'd already taken. The walls were painted with unique symbols. He’d study each one for a bit before moving on; there was hundreds of numbers, each designated a platoon, a battalion, a regiment, a division, a legion; names, presumably, scattered the edges in long lists, ranging from one word to whole titles; and, near the escape pods, tallies that, in contrast to the long lists before, only counted up to the dozens. Vibrant colours appeared too: the wall outside his own room had been a brilliant orange, with a few names and tallies marking it, and further down, nearer what he now knew were Anakin’s quarters from his glance at the ship’s map, had been bright blue, except for the white and orange painted neatly in a pattern, like helmet or facial markings, hidden around the corner. There was an air of longing lingering around the hidden section, as if something, or someone, was missing from the ship. He decided not to think too hard on it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nobody had stopped him as he walked, occasionally reaching out to brush a finger across the colours. Although the men wore helmets, also painted vivid oranges and blues, Ben could sense their anxiousness. They stood to attention outside rooms, or sat polishing their boots, or spoke to each other in low voices, but as soon as Ben walked </span>
  <span>near,</span>
  <span> they’d freeze up or back away. Ben wanted to pause to speak to them, to offer them some comfort, but he found he had nothing to give and so walked on. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben?” ventured Cody, when they’d found him. Anakin was with him, and another soldier with a medical cross stitched into the shoulder of his blacks. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m ready,” replied Ben, with as much conviction as he could muster. He turned to them and nodded once. “I wanted to see the stars. Properly. But I’m ready now.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Cody stepped back, his eyes sad, but Anakin stepped forward.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” he breathed, looking at Ben like he’d just gifted him the universe.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ben nodded again, and turned back towards the towering windows, placing his palm upon them. He gazed out at the wide expanse of space, at the millions of specks of white shining all around, and felt his too-big heart ache with emptiness. He blinked, the colours from the hallway spanning into his vision, and suddenly the galaxy was filled with blues and oranges and light. And it was right. It was right. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It will be gentle,” promised Anakin.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Like falling asleep</span>
  </em>
  <span> was left unsaid, and Ben was grateful. It was gentle, in a way that he’d learned sleep was not. To sleep was to wake anyway, and he was not waking, not from this. Not truly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Anakin closed his eyes and placed his fingertips on Ben’s temples. The Holocron glowed gently in his lap; the red light that had once threatened now soothed instead, beckoning the end.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodbye, Anakin,” murmured Ben, because he felt like he ought to say goodbye.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“...goodbye, Ben,” whispered Anakin back, and he dove, chasing the light. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>They hovered together, briefly, in the abyss of Ben’s dreams. Only now, with Anakin present, was Ben aware of the sinister darkness that thread throughout the sky, almost invisible against the black. Anakin reached up, impossibly, and began to untangle them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ben watched, and then, quietly, gently, was not.</span>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for the short chapter, but it felt right ending it here. One more chapter to go, to round it all up (as much as I can anyway!)</p><p>Thanks for reading, and giving kudos, and for your lovely comments! Absolutely makes my day reading them. The whole community is so welcoming! Definitely going to be writing more SW stuff, the world is so vast and the characters are so lush to write. </p><p>Goodbye, Ben. You were a good man.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. obi-wan wakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The end?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anakin surfaced. The suddenness of life, of the existence of being, hit him, like he was waking from a long meditation.  </p><p> </p><p>“Sir?” </p><p> </p><p>He felt Cody’s hand grasp his shoulder, and he tried to ground himself again, the way his Master, his real Master, had taught him to when he was a young, angry child. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s done,” he said, and although he felt sadness at the loss of Ben, there was a hunger deep inside, hurting so badly with hope that he felt nauseous, “He’ll be Obi-Wan when he wakes.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody was silent for a moment. “When will he wake?” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin shook his head. He didn’t know. Sidious had told him of the location of the cure in an effort to reign him in <em> (before his head rolled on the ground  </em> he remembered with a hot pang) <em> , </em>  and he’d spent a week fixing the broken core of the  Holocron  (and months fixing his own soul), and he’d  <em> felt  </em>the disconnect in Ben’s mind, but that was all he knew.  </p><p> </p><p>“Soon,” he said, decisively, because Obi-Wan would wake, he had to, he always did.  “Prepare for the worst though, Kix. Can’t be too safe.” </p><p> </p><p>“Very good, sir,” replied Kix. His eyes were shadowed, but he went straight to work; he commed his small team, and not a minute later they were in the medbay with them, checking Obi-Wan's vitals and lifting his limp wrists to insert IVs into his veins. They were careful with him, probably mindful of the last time they’d ‘handled’ Obi-Wan (with blasters and orders and furious words).  </p><p> </p><p>Anakin shook his head, shook the image of Obi-Wan lying prone with the fires of Mustafar behind him, shook the vision of him (or was it Ben?)  panicked and blinded in the Theta-class shuttle hull, shook Sidious’ hideous laughter from his ears, and clenched his hands. The pain in his chest didn’t abate instantly, and he had to choke down the anger at his own incompetence. Anger wouldn’t help him, not anymore (if it ever had), and he needed to control himself around Obi-Wan when he woke with weak shields.  </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want Obi-Wan to remember his betrayal. Not instantly.  </p><p> </p><p>He breathed deeply, relishing in the sharpness of his still-healing ribs, and cast about the room for a chair. They’d taken Ben back to the medbay after he’d had his fill of space, marching with him like a funeral procession. Although Anakin wasn’t certain what had changed Ben’s mind, he’d felt an odd fondness for the stranger occupying his brother’s body, and had tried to give him peace in his last moments. He hoped it had worked.  </p><p> </p><p>His metal hand found a chair in the corner, and he dragged it carefully over to the side of Obi-Wan's bed. He'd be here when he woke, like always.  </p><p> </p><p>“You’ll wake soon, Master,” he said lowly, mindful of the clones, still rightfully suspicious of him, scattered about the room, “Just like all those times before, and you’ll say you’re fine and try to shoo me out the room, but I’ll stay anyway.” </p><p> </p><p>“Will he want to see you?” asked Cody bluntly, standing behind him and clearly eavesdropping. </p><p> </p><p>“Just as much as he’ll want to see you,” bit back Anakin. He felt Cody wince, and a satisfying, vindictive feeling clenched his gut. “I’m staying,” he continued stonily, “Good luck making me leave.” </p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t dream of it,” replied Cody, and there was an anger there now, “Sir.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin felt the clones leave the room, but his eyes never left Obi-Wan.  </p><p> </p><p>“I won’t leave you again,” he murmured. He covered Obi-Wan's pale hand with his own, and tried not to squeeze it possessively. He’ll never be a Jedi again, but he needed to be good. He will try. “Never again.” </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Hours passed and Obi-Wan hadn’t moved, as still as an alabaster statue. Anakin had tried to be patient, but between the lack of response from his Master and the clones drifting in and out of the room, their hands always on their blasters, he felt bent out of shape and restless. The hot bitterness that hadn’t left him since he saw Padme’s body fall on Mustafar was growing stronger and it took all of his self-control to not just <em> shake </em> his Master awake.  </p><p> </p><p>He tried looking inward instead. With Cody watching from the door, his cautious hand ever on his blaster, Anakin reached forwards with his mind and tried to touch his Master’s Force signature. It had vanished with the Sith curse, and re-emerged again in Ben on Zigoola; the theory he held was that the Sith planet recognised the Jedi deep inside, even when Ben himself didn’t, and the Force responded. Since returning to the Vigilance though, Ben’s mind had been quiet. Anakin had hoped, was confident really, that the Force would return to his Master as soon as the curse was lifted, but he was wrong. Again. </p><p> </p><p> “You don’t need to hover, Cody,” he said tetchily, suddenly annoyed at the man’s presence. </p><p> </p><p>“Just being safe, sir,” replied Cody steadily. The hand on his blaster never wavered.  </p><p> </p><p>“For who?” </p><p> </p><p>“I think you know the answer,” said Cody, his brows furrowed. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin did (it was him; he was the danger), but his rage was coiled in him like a snake. To steady himself, he studied Obi-Wan's blank expression and schooled his own face into something resembling neutrality. </p><p> </p><p>“I won’t hurt him again,” he murmured, half speaking to himself, “I won’t lose the last thing I have left.” </p><p> </p><p>“A comforting promise,” said Cody, “But a selfish one too.” </p><p> </p><p>The snake inside rose, but Anakin clamped it down, feeling sick. “Know your place, Commander.” </p><p> </p><p>“Apologies, sir,” retorted Cody instantly, “But you’re not a General anymore, you’re not even a Jedi. Our intent is to protect the only Jedi left in this system.” </p><p> </p><p>“The only Jedi in the galaxy, you mean,” muttered Anakin darkly. </p><p> </p><p>Cody was quiet, and Anakin turned, surprised. He watched Cody deliberate with his thoughts, and fought the urge to force his way into the clone’s mind. </p><p> </p><p>“You have news,” he said instead, feeling lightheaded, “Did others survive the purge?” </p><p> </p><p>Cody’s face darkened. “Stay out of my head.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not in your head,” retorted Anakin, “It’s obvious. You’re a good soldier, Cody, but that makes you a bad liar.” He paused. “I could make you tell me.” </p><p> </p><p>“...I’m not sure what the General is expecting when he wakes up,” said Cody slowly, “But he won't recognise his student in you.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin’s blood ran cold. Icy rage licked at him. But he remembered Sidious, remembered the losses that had gutted him instead of propping him up onto the pedestal of power that he’d once craved, and he knew that it wasn’t the way. He swallowed hard and tried to calm his racing heart.  </p><p> </p><p>Cody watched him carefully. </p><p> </p><p>“I know that I’m not the same person he once knew,” said Anakin finally, <em> hating </em> the clone, “Do you think I don’t?” He tried for honesty, maybe that was the key to reconnecting with his old friend. “I’m trying to be what he needs again.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody’s face was shuttered, but his words were almost sympathetic. “What he needs is gone. The Order is destroyed.” </p><p> </p><p>“They were my family too, Cody.” </p><p> </p><p>“And yet you slaughtered them anyway.” </p><p> </p><p>Anakin stood abruptly, breathing hard. A hush was cast over the room. Neither man moved.  </p><p> </p><p>“You need to leave,” said Anakin warningly, “Before I do something I regret.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody stared him down, seemingly sizing up the threat. He took a step forward, his finger on the trigger now, and Anakin should have been backing away, but his blood pounded darkly and he found himself reaching for his lightsaber... </p><p> </p><p>“Anakin...” </p><p> </p><p>It was hoarse, barely even there, but it had both Anakin and Cody spinning towards the bed. Obi-Wan hadn’t moved, but his chest was taking stuttering breaths and sweat dotted his pale face. Anakin quickly clamped down his mental shields and retook his place next to the bed, grasping for Obi-Wan's hands. He faintly heard Cody step back again, into the darkness of the room, but the anger that he felt towards the clone faded underneath the newfound hope. </p><p> </p><p>“Master, I’m here,” he murmured, tracing the bony knuckles with his thumbs, “You’re safe.” </p><p> </p><p>But as quickly as Obi-Wan had regained consciousness, he was gone again. His body still struggled though, as if he was fighting off an infection.  </p><p> </p><p>“...you are,” realised Anakin. It was an infection of the mind. Maybe he hadn’t gotten it all? Or maybe the psychic shock was taking its toll, after having not had access to the Force properly in weeks. He needed to find out. </p><p> </p><p>But as he reached out, to stabilise the connection between them, Obi-Wan flinched.  </p><p> </p><p>“Nnh...” </p><p> </p><p>He was affecting Obi-Wan's recovery. Just by being there, even with his shields tight, Anakin’s presence in the Force was dark, darker than his old Master was used to. Feeling like a hand was clutched around his heart, he stood and turned to Cody. He must think of Obi-Wan, of his convalescence, even if it hurt. It’s what Padme would have wanted (it’s what she had wanted, when she’d turned him away; <em> Don’t do this, Ani, he’s your brother </em>).  </p><p> </p><p>“Cody,” said Anakin, swallowing raggedly, “He’s in your care.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody blinked, confusion passing over his face for only a second before determination set in. He nodded, and took over Anakin’s place at Obi-Wan's side. </p><p> </p><p>Stealing one last glance at his friend (his Master, his brother), Anakin strode out of the room, his black cloak billowing behind him, and set course for the bridge. He had some calls to make. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Cody and his vode were vigilant. Though Skywalker had left, taking the aura of wrongness with him, the men still rotated on guard duty. With what little was left of the 212th and 501st battalions, the war mindset hadn’t changed; there would always be a sense of danger and a need to protect their General. </p><p> </p><p>Cody contemplated this as he sat rigidly next to the bed, watching Obi-Wan sleep.  </p><p> </p><p>“At least it’s real sleep this time,” he muttered, and rolled his shoulders. He was getting stiff. It was almost a welcome feeling; any feeling aside from the perpetual numbness he felt was good these days. The bandage at his temple itched, and only the presence of one of his troops, specifically a medic, in the room prevented him from scratching at it.  </p><p> </p><p>Every single troop on the ship had had their inhibitor chip taken out. Skywalker had made sure of it. He’d assembled them together as Darth Vader, escorted them to the medbays as Darth Vader, and then led them to their re-established flagship as Anakin Skywalker. They weren’t told of the Emperor’s fall until they were well on the way to Deep Space, as though Skywalker hadn’t trusted them even after the chips were removed.  </p><p> </p><p><em> Ironic </em>, thought Cody, as he eyed the crudely made prosthetic arm half-attached to Obi-Wan. Rather than feeling liberated, he felt trapped. His General could make up his own mind, but Skywalker had lost all of the trust he’d garnered from the men he had fought with for years. If he was to believed, it didn’t matter to him, but it mattered to them.  </p><p> </p><p>Cody narrowed his eyes at the prosthetic arm.  <br/>
 </p><p> <br/>
“Sir?” asked Kix, seemingly picking up on Cody’s train of thought.  </p><p> </p><p>“Just thinking,” replied Cody absently. Skywalker hadn’t told them much about their journey, or what had happened to the Emperor, but he’d given them the basics. The clones had still been reeling from their awakening, from the state of the universe itself, and desperately mourning their dead. The task to find and retrieve General Kenobi was both a shock and relief; to know that he was alive, after they’d shot him down on Utapau, made them put aside their grief and gave them momentary purpose. Thinking past this mission kept him up at night, but it provided Cody with something to focus on. He’d stumbled a bit, initially confused about the retrieval mission when he’d found a slumbering General Kenobi in Skywalker’s quarters, but when he’d realised that it wasn’t truly him... </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan moved a little, a small groan coming out of his parted lips, and Cody bent over him. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re safe, General,” he murmuring soothingly (he hoped; he’d lost his voice for a couple of days, due to shock according to Kix’s shaky judgement, and it was still hoarse from lack of use). </p><p> </p><p>Rather than being soothed back to sleep, Obi-Wan became more restless. With energy that he hadn’t displayed in hours, he half curled up and placed his hands over his ears.  </p><p> </p><p>“Kix,” said Cody, hoping his nervousness wasn’t coming out in his voice, “Check him out.” </p><p> </p><p>“On it, boss,” replied Kix, and, true to his word, was already checking Obi-Wan's pulse and gently trying to move him into the recovery position.  </p><p> </p><p>“Shh,” mumbled Obi-Wan, his voice weak and shaky but still holding onto that authority that made Cody want to follow him to the ends of the universe, “You must...shh...” </p><p> </p><p>Cody and Kix made brief eye contact; a nostalgic, watery smile was growing on Kix’s face. </p><p> </p><p>“I think he’s okay, vode,” said Kix kindly, turning to study the holoscreens monitoring Obi-Wan's vitals, “Maybe just psychic shock. We ought to keep our thoughts low.” </p><p> </p><p>“Right,” replied Cody uncertainly. He remembered receiving the same advice when General Kenobi had experienced visions or force exhaustion, but it somehow didn’t feel right here. Maybe the Force was with Cody too, because the next second had Obi-Wan springing up from the bed, tearing out his IVs and sending the machines around him into high alert.  </p><p> </p><p>“Sir-!” cried Kix, his hands hovering uncertainly, seemingly wanting to steady his General but unable to bring himself to, “Please lie back down!” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan was white-faced and shaking, clearly frightened, but he reached out his dominant hand, angling it in the same way Cody had watched him summon his blade a thousand times before. Sure enough, his lightsaber on the sidetable rattled and lifted, but fell to the floor with a loud clatter. Obi-Wan looked shattered as he gazed at his metal arm. </p><p> </p><p>“Obi-Wan,” tried Cody, slowly approaching with his hands raised; he needed to demonstrate the lack of threats, “Listen to me. You’re safe. Lie back down, sir.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan tore his eyes away from his prosthetic arm to look at Cody. His eyes were bloodshot and wide, but there was recognition and coherence in them. </p><p> </p><p>“Commander,” he said hoarsely, “Last we met you were shooting me off a cliff.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody winced. “We’ve seen you more recently than that, under kinder circumstances, but not you us. We can explain everything, just lie back down-” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry if I don’t quite trust you yet, Cody,” said Obi-Wan breathlessly, “But you must understand; I felt thousands of Jedi fall at the exact moment you shot at me. Forgive me for thinking the two are correlated.” </p><p> </p><p>“They were, sir,” replied Cody, now a bit shaky himself, “But we can explain once you’re back on that bed.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan watched him for a few moments. His eye ticked, as though he were covering some phantom pain they couldn’t see. </p><p> </p><p>“Please,” said Kix gently, “You need rest, General. Lie down.” </p><p> </p><p>Slowly, Obi-Wan obeyed. He settled back down and let Kix reapply the IVs. The machines stopped their screaming and all was quiet. </p><p> </p><p>“My lightsaber,” croaked Obi-Wan, and reached out expectantly. </p><p> </p><p>Cody bent to pick it up off the cold floor, then did what he’d done a hundred times before and gave his General his lightsaber.  </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t go swinging that at us now, sir,” he joked, hoping some lightheartedness would lessen the tension in the room. It worked slightly; Obi-Wan's mouth crooked up in a brief smile. But the machines still blared out his high pulse and his hands still shook.  </p><p> </p><p>“Explain,” said Obi-Wan, sounding half asleep, “And then I must tell you about-” He cut off. His face went paler and he gripped his lightsaber tightly, as if it were a lifeline. “Anakin, he-” </p><p> </p><p>“We know, sir,” said Cody softly. He didn’t know much, but he knew the basics, and he knew enough to not let Obi-Wan suffer all over again retelling it. </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan closed his eyes, and the clones pretended not to see the tears at the corners of them. “Good,” he said softly, “Good. Tell me what happened.” </p><p> </p><p>And so he did. Cody started at Utapau, describing Order 66 and the search for Obi-Wan's body with clinical detachment, and guided the story all the way to the day Skywalker had rallied them together on their old flagship. The circles underneath Obi-Wan's tired eyes grew deeper, but he stayed awake, his face set with the same determination Cody had seen on countless missions. Kix was quiet, studying Obi-Wan's vitals silently, but for one interruption near the end. </p><p> </p><p>“We’d been working on Vader’s ship for only a week,” said Cody, trying not to acknowledge the almost imperceptible flinch from Obi-Wan, “Myself and a few of the 212th were only transferred to his ship by request, whereas the 501st-” </p><p> </p><p>“He took us with him to storm the Temple,” murmured Kix, clenching his hands. Cody watched him carefully, and was silent to let him speak. “Vader’s Fist, we were called. And the things we did-” He swallowed. “I’ll have nightmares for a long time, sir, and it’s completely understandable if you can’t forgive-” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan held up a hand. Kix quietened instantly. </p><p> </p><p>“Not your fault,” whispered Obi-Wan, and passed his flesh hand across his face briefly. </p><p> </p><p>Kix seemed frozen, and unlikely to speak again, so Cody continued. </p><p> </p><p>“After he ordered the chips to be taken out, he assembled us together and told us we had a new mission,” said Cody, pausing briefly, “To rescue you.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan rubbed at his eyes. “How considerate.”  </p><p> </p><p>“I’m...not sure what he’d done to you,” continued Cody slowly, “But you weren’t yourself. You had no recollection of the war, or anything that had transpired, but you hadn’t been brainwashed like us. You couldn’t hold onto memories either, it was like your brain would reset every five minutes. You were frightened, sir-” </p><p> </p><p>“Rightfully so,” said Kix quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Cody nodded. “Skywalker was worried. He said it would be kinder to wipe your memory completely, rather than leave the task half finished. That it’d be easier to reverse. We tried to stop him, but by the next morning he’d taken a fighter and left with you for deep space. We received his droid’s beacon a week later, and came to pick you up.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan seemed to think for a moment. “Where were we?” </p><p> </p><p>“A planet called Zigoola.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan smiled wryly, though his eyes were pained. “I thought Bail and I had left that rocks in ruins.” </p><p> </p><p>“I believe you did, sir,” replied Cody, feeling encouraged by the light response, “Skywalker sounded very frustrated about the fact. He spent the next week attempting to fix the cure you’d apparently destroyed.” </p><p> </p><p>“Hm,” was all Obi-Wan said, and his face dropped in thought. His mechanical hand lifted briefly, but he grimaced and settled it back down onto his lap. He brought his left hand up to stroke his beard instead, but he stopped that too. They shook in his lap, and he folded them together tightly. </p><p> </p><p>“There was a term used by the Jedi Order to describe the reaction in which Force-sensitives shutdown areas of their minds in reaction to emotion turmoil,” said Obi-Wan, his expression closed, “Flashburn, they called it. It provoked memory loss; those who used the technique were unable to remember details about the event at the centre of the trauma.” He studied his hands and frowned. “I assume this Sith technique took that idea and corrupted it, beyond what was a temporary salve for the mind. It doesn’t sound too far-fetched to believe Anakin might have learnt this to protect his loved ones. And himself.” </p><p> </p><p>“To protect himself? From what?” asked Cody, perplexed. </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan lifted his gaze. His eyes were sad. “He suffered losses too.” </p><p> </p><p>“By his own hand.” </p><p> </p><p>“Perhaps.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody clenched his fists. He knew this reaction; he’d seen it after every battle where they’d had heavy losses. “It’s not your fault. He knew what he was doing.” </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan said nothing. He leant back, settling against the pillows.  </p><p> </p><p>“Some rest now, I think, would be good,” he murmured.  </p><p> </p><p>Cody stepped forward, intent on finishing the conversation, but Kix held him back. </p><p> </p><p>“Very good, sir,” said Kix, placing his palm on Cody’s back and guiding them out of the room, “We’ll let you sleep.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody let himself be directed away from the General, but as soon as the door was closed behind them, he swung around and stared down Kix sternly. </p><p> </p><p>Kix looked back, just as stern. “General Kenobi wanting to rest is a rare, and very good, thing, sir. Leave him be.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not going to just let him stew in his own perceived failings, Kix,” growled Cody, “You know he won’t sleep.” </p><p> </p><p>“He needs time alone to process,” replied Kix, certainty lacing his words, “He might not sleep, but he can meditate, or do whatever he does.” </p><p> </p><p>Cody couldn’t argue with that. He’d spent days in his bunk when he’d awoken, ignoring his brothers until they called upon him to lead them again. The Kaminoans had given the clone army excelled brain functions, and he knew all his neurons connected, but a heavy and deep depression lingered throughout the ship for weeks after the chips were removed. It lingered still, but for the few clones who hadn’t seen the Temple bloodshed, or hadn’t shot down their own Generals, or didn’t have the blood of innocents on their hands... </p><p> </p><p>Cody shook his head. “Fine,” he said lowly, “Fine, we’ll leave him be. But keep the guard up. Notify me if he requests anyone, or if anything changes.” He felt his expression darken. “Comm me if Skywalker comes. Don’t let him into the room unless I’m there.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, sir,” replied Kix, ever the good soldier. </p><p> </p><p><em> Good soldiers follow orders </em>, thought Cody, and he felt sick.</p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t sleep. He could barely think, barely touch the Force without pain, so it wasn’t any wonder he couldn’t sleep, but it felt like a failing anyway. Another one to add to the pile.  </p><p> </p><p>The old training bond he shared with Anakin, as torn as it was, wavered occasionally, as though his old Padawan was testing the waters. Obi-Wan didn’t dare touch it, not even to reciprocate the empty questions Anakin was sending his way to test his consciousness. The last he’d seen Anakin was on the lava banks of Mustafar, with yellow eyes and a new Master standing behind him. He couldn’t get through to him then. Broken as he was, he wouldn’t be able to get through to him now. Part of him wondered if he ever had. </p><p> </p><p>In an attempt to ignore the shame and revulsion that swept through him, and that he couldn’t release into the Force, Obi-Wan instead studied his arm. Though it was hazy, he remembered the maiming, and the culprit behind it. He’d stood over Anakin, on the bank above him, and listened to the boy challenge him and brag about his power. Obi-Wan remembered swinging, knowing the Sith was doomed the moment he made the jump, but he’d hesitated, blocking once again instead of taking the obvious killing blow. Anakin had landed, fury marring his boy-ish face, their sabers crossed...and then he remembers the white-hot pain of a lightsaber cutting through his elbow and the cackle of another man behind him. Anakin hadn’t been the one to maim him, but there had been only victory in his eyes when Obi-Wan had fallen.  </p><p> </p><p><em> What will you do with him, Lord Vader? </em> </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan inhaled sharply.  </p><p> </p><p>“There is no emotion, there is peace,” he murmured, trying to calm his racing heart, “There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony.” He paused, his breath hitching. “There is no death, there is the Force.” </p><p> </p><p>But the Force was empty. The lights that had been his brothers and sisters, his masters and friends, the younglings, the plants, the Temple itself...gone. Only he remained.  </p><p> </p><p>Except two, he realised with a keen pang. He’d last seen Yoda at the Jedi Temple ruins, and hadn’t heard from him since, but he felt his light. It was distant, the furthest away he’d seen the old Grandmaster from the Temple in decades, but he lingered still in the Force.  </p><p> </p><p>And Anakin... </p><p> </p><p>He no longer knew the boy he'd raised. He couldn’t trust him, couldn’t tell him about Yoda, or Padme- </p><p> </p><p>What had happened to Padme? </p><p> </p><p>When Cody had left the room, Obi-Wan felt content in his newfound knowledge, but as he rested, alone in the world, the realisation that he knew nothing at all hit him, and his empty heart cracked a little more. </p><p> </p><p>He closed his eyes, murmuring a prayer to the Force to let him sleep, let him briefly forget the pain, and, blessedly, the Force answered. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Exposition time!</p><p>I struggled with this chapter. I don't tend to make outlines for stories, I just write and whatever comes out comes out. But the more I wrote, I realised there was a longer story I wanted to tell. I don't think it quite fits within this fic, and I quite like the five chapters as they are, but keep an eye out for another fic in this series. Sorry for the almost cliffhanger, it felt right to end it here. Their story isn't over yet, don't worry. </p><p>Thanks so much for reading and commenting and kudos-ing! I've been blown away by the response to this fic! Star Wars fans ya beauties.</p><p>Hope everyone's staying safe. Have a good Monday!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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